Quotes From the Show

Mel (to Buddy): Are you wearing makeup?"  Buddy: "Just a little. I have a blemish."  Mel: "You are a blemish!"

BUDDY: "Hey, here's something for Ritchie: a bathtub toy with a plastic fish in it."  ROB: "I think Ritchie's a little too old for plastic fish."  Sally: "I'll take it."  BUDDY: "I don't want to be personal, but aren't you old enough to bathe with real fish?"  SALLY: "It's not for me, it's for Mr. Henderson, my cat."  BUDDY: "Your cat eats plastic fish?"  SALLY: "It's a plastic cat."

Rob (to Mel): "How could you make a mistake like that?!"  Buddy: "Easy, it's hereditary.  Look at the mistake his parents made."

Buddy (to Mel): "Oh, wait a minute.  I'd like to thank you, Mel."  Mel: "For what?"  Buddy: "For leaving."

Rob (to Laura): "There's no time for that now."  Laura: "What are you doing?  What's the matter with you?"  Rob: "There's a 'G' Man in the living room."  Laura: "And there's a nut in the kitchen!"

Ritchie (to Laura): "Freddy and I are going to buy a dead rat."  Laura: "Ritchie, will you please tell me where you can buy a dead rat?!"  Ritchie: "Do you want one, mommy?"

Buddy (to Mel): "Don't feel so bad, Mel. You finally accomplished a great feat. You've got everybody hating you at the same time!"

Mel (to Buddy): "You know you couldn't be replaced?" Buddy: "Why not?" Mel: "Because I don't know what you are!!"

"There was something ageless with him. Probably 100,000 jokes in his head went with him." -- Dick Van Dyke on the death of Morey Amsterdam, the comic actor best known as the wisecracking television writer on "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

"Marriage, like a lot of other things, has boundaries and to some guys those boundaries represent walls and that makes marriage a prison to them but to other guys those boundaries hold everything that's good and fun in life." ##

Buddy (to Rob): "You keep that up and you'll end up on a hospital show!" #

# quote suggested by Kyle Hankins ## quote suggested by Dona Howell

Laura: "You wanna end up another Dwight Heatherton? Go ahead!" Rob: "Who's that?" Laura: "Dwight Heatheron happens to be an excellent writer who is unknown because he gets no publicity." Rob: "Then how do you know him?"

Laura: "Rob, let me ask you something. Are you doing this because you're afraid of Alan?" Rob: "No, I'm doing it because I respect Alan Brady. A man of his caliber has great firing power."

Sally: "Time to go home and feed Mr. Henderson." Buddy: "What kind of name is that for a cat?" Sally: "This coming from a man who has a wife named Pickles and a dog named Larry!"

Mel (to Buddy): "Yeecchh!"

Rob (to Laura): "...Washington said farewell to his troops in less time."

Alan: "Why didn't someone tell me? I would have worn my hair!"

Rob: "If it's food eat it. If it's a telephone number, call it!"

Rob (to Laura): "Three out of four doctors will tell you that the cupcake test is not always conclusive."

Rob: "Hominy grits!" Sally: "Oh, about forty or fifty."

Jerry (to Rob): "Listen, we can hug all you want at home, but on the boat, never touch me!"

Ritchie (to Rob): "I like Mommy's bananas better!"

Rob: "Laura, do you know that 1 out of every 50 million women has the wrong baby?" Laura: "That's a cute trick. How does she manage it?" Rob: "No...no. She doesn't have it while she's having it. It's after she has it that she has it."

Alan: "What do you suggest I do with all these toupees, now, huh?" Laura: "Well, Alan, there must be some needy bald people...."

Buddy (to Mel): "Your hair didn't fall out---it fell in and clouded your brain."

Buddy: "Hey, play the Minute Waltz." Sally (at the piano): "I only know half of it." Buddy: "Play it twice!"

Buddy (to Sally): "My mother-in-law is spending a month with us for a couple of days."

Rob: "It's like being Clark Kent" Laura: "Huh?" Rob: "You know you're Superman, but you can't tell anybody. I never realized how he must have felt. Can you imagine how many times in that booth he wanted to pick up the phone and say 'Hi! I'm Superman!'"

Rob (to Laura): "It just so happens that I know me better than you know me 'cause I'm with myself almost constantly"

Buddy: "Rob, I've done a lot of things in my life, but I've never Uhny Uftzed anybody!"

Laura: "Oh, Rob!"

Sally (to Rob): "You feel sick or something, or has your brain just ran out of ideas?"